In 2003, we had the amazing blessing of adopting our first son. He was a beautiful baby of 14 months, and I was totally oblivious to the fact that just the facts of his first 14 months of life had left indelible scars that we would never be able to pretend, just didn't happen. We had read no books. Why would we? We had pretty successfully raised 3 daughters already, so felt pretty experienced in this whole "parenting" role. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I anticipate the scars that abandonment had left on his little heart and mind.
We worked hard, to understand...truth be told, God in his great mercy and grace, guided our steps even when we didn't know we needed guiding. Big example, we had no idea, about the importance of family bonding, and had made plans to return to the States for a year furlough a couple months after our adoption was finalized. BUT God knew all about it and that we as a family, needed this time. He needed time to really attach to us, and to recognize us as his Mommy and Daddy. So God gave us 6 months, together, here in a small apartment, in a new town in Ecuador, where we hardly knew anyone, so we had that time to just be together! I look back on that time, and wish I had been more content, in just trusting God to do everything right and in his perfect time, instead of being so frustrated with government red-tape, and all the "hold-ups" to get us to the States.
In 2010 God again, laid it upon our hearts to adopt two precious children. Not babies this time, but a sweet girl of 6 and a little boy of 5. We knew that they had "mild special needs"... we had met them, we were a little awed, overwhelmed, yet at the same time full of joyous anticipation at what God was doing in our lives and in our family. I was 49 and my husband was 48...not the normal time one thinks about adding to their family, (unless it's grand kids! ;) )
Fast forward 4 1/2 years. In lots of ways we have bonded beautifully into a wonderful family. Yet there are holes and gaps and frustrations at times beyond words. You know those moments when you realize that they are definitely a little bit more than "mildly affected" by their special needs. When you asked 3 times point blank about your daughters heart condition, and were told that everything is completely fine now, only to find out that she actually has a 15mm hole between the top 2 chambers of her heart! Then when you think it is all going to be fixed by a cath. procedure that will basically mean maybe 1 day or at the most 2 in the hospital, to be greeted with the news that she is going to have to undergo Open Heart Surgery. Yeah, that was a hard day. Or the day, just last week, when you are given the news that there's a good chance you only have a few more years where your little guy with CP will actually be able to learn new things, and then he will most likely plateau and then at some point his physical body being tired of all the extra work it has had to do, to just do the most basic things, like sitting up, walking etc. will start to decline and about the same time his brain too. Yeah, I have to say, that was a really hard day! Right up there on the same level as the kick in the stomach when we heard our little girl was going to have to have open heart surgery. I'm not saying all of this to blame anyone, or give the impression that we are giving up, and accepting the inevitable will happen. No! I am more determined now than ever, to do everything I can possibly do, to see that whatever God has in store for these 2 precious kids comes to pass. To be honest, I'm so thankful for the insight and guidance, that we have gotten. I feel like I was walking around in the dark for 4 years, trying to do the right thing, with no idea what that was! Thankfully God again in his great mercy and grace, guided our steps many times, to things, that others might say we just fell upon by accident. BUT, one thing I've learned, THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS WITH GOD!
One of the things we had never realized was that both of our special needs kids while they had adapted beautifully in many ways, and had learned our family "rules" and were really pretty well behaved kids, they both were struggling some emotionally. Things that we would take for granted that they understood, they had NO idea what that meant. They knew the words and could even repeat the words, but they really had no understanding of what the words actually meant! When a child is born into our family, we take time to teach that child almost from the beginning, what we expect. By the time the child is a year old-18months, when they start to reach for something, we can say, "no" and while they may not choose to "obey" at that moment, they will usually stop and look at you and they KNOW what you want....
This whole idea really floored my husband and I, as we would say to ourselves, well, they've lived with us for 4 years, so they surely know by now what we are expecting and wanting from them... BUT, we are fighting against all those early experiences from the first 4 to 6 years of their lives! Which when push comes to shove, those are the experiences that they draw from. A concrete example of this, is that my daughter, is completely fluent in English and actually prefers to speak English over Spanish now. Even playing in English, watching TV in English etc. Yet when she was in the NICU the night after her Open Heart Surgery, and barely conscious the language she was speaking to me was Spanish!
One of the big things we are working on these days in school with our Special Needs kids, is our emotions. What does it mean, what does the Bible say about them, what does that really mean in our day to day life. We are going to be spending a lot of time talking about our responses to situations and deciding was that a Christ-like response or Not a Christ-like response?
This morning we were working on anger. We used Psalm 37:8-9,
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
We took the verses apart, phrase by phrase. Talked about exactly what that meant... wrote out 5 things that the kids thought God was saying to them from these verses...
1. Control your anger.
2. Get rid of wrath or hatred.
3. Don't be upset, it only makes trouble.
4. There are bad consequences for sin/anger.
5. Those who trust God to take care of their problems will reap good.
The next thing that we did was talk about the fact that often we get angry, because things happen, that we don't like, but if we are trusting God and believe that He loves us and that he is always working things for our good, then we can let go of our anger. We have to learn to trust God to take care of our problems.
The last activity for this project today, was to write out some things they were worrying about, that they wanted to turn over to God... to actively part that God would take these worries away. To every time these worries came to mind, they would be reminded that God loves them! That God has NEVER left them and that God will NEVER leave them! The response to this activity blew me and my husband away! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my little guy was still, after 4 years, concerned about these things...
Here is his list, word for word, as he told it to me:
1. That you and Daddy will stop loving me.
2. That you guys will take me back to the orphanage.
3. That I will not be able to grow up. (on questioning exactly what he meant, it came out that he is afraid, he won't be able to grow up and be like other people!)
Yeah, the results of abandonment, are long lasting. The fear of being rejected or abandoned again, is at times almost overwhelming. AND don't ever try to convince me that special needs kids don't realize they are different and don't have a longing deep down in their heart to just be "normal" like everyone else!
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