In September of 2011, as a family we started writing a new chapter in our story. We became the parents of Matthew. He was 5 years old, almost 6, and he had the sweetest smile. Soon we would come to realize that there were some deep emotional issues and try as we would, love and a stable home environment would not solve them. We sought help in many different ways… spent $1,000’s on therapy and testing.
Not sure what to do or where to turn, we kept trusting God, to direct our steps. We knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had led us in this adoption and so we kept holding on to that truth… trusting that He who started it would complete it.
In 2018 we had to make a sudden and abrupt move back to the US. That fall we knew something had to change and we didn’t know what or how. Tony ended up walking into our local elementary school and an amazing school counselor sat down with him and with a heart full of empathy, compassion and kindness talked to him and encouraged him. The next week we enrolled him in school. This was a struggle for me. I had totally believed that because of his special needs, the best education he would get would be through homeschooling, and to enroll him into school felt like a failure to me… like I failed. I wasn’t good enough. BUT, God, had some amazing teachers and a principal at that school and they patiently met with us on countless times, walked us through things we had no understanding of, because none of our kids had gone to public school in the US. He had one amazing Special Ed teacher that loved him and pour her heart and soul into him. She worked so hard and did everything possible to get him into a special high school. She still texts from time to time to just see how he is doing.
During those years he had more and more outbursts at home. Things were becoming alarmingly unstable in the home. Law Enforcement had to come out to our home multiple times because of the fear of Matthew hurting himself or him hurting a family member. In 2019 he spent a week in a physch hospital, there he was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD, among a few other things. When he got out he went to a therapist twice a month. Things would be up and down. After he ran away and was gone over night and another call with law enforcement we were encouraged to call DCS.
I will admit to being very unsure about calling them. Aren’t they the people that take children away from bad parents? But after speaking to some counselors we called. I understand that different people have different experiences, but Tony and I only have the upmost praise for every person we dealt with that worked for DCS in our town. These people went above and beyond the call of duty. We spent 9 months with Matthew “in care” we had a therapist come to our house twice a week, for one on one counseling. We tried multiple options for therapy, including horse therapy. He was part of a special program from Vanderbilt. He had multiple physical exams. And even some genetic testing… he also finally was given a physch evaluation, where the formal diagnosis of RAD, Autism, and a couple other things were made and put in writing. Then his case was officially closed.
Things continued. I will be honest and say there were good days and there were bad days. The amount of stress in our home was intense. You never knew when something was going to happen. Our other children slept with their doors locked. Tony and I slept with our door locked. Our daughter spent the majority of her time locked in her room when he was home, because she was afraid of what he might do. Our older son experienced a severe burn as a result of an out of control emotional outburst from Matthew, that saw him spend 10 days on the burn unit at Vanderbilt and two years of surgeries and therapies.
In August of 2021, there was another major incident. It involved our family being interviewed by FBI officers. Then Matthew being interviewed. As a result of that interview he ended back in a physch hospital and it was at that time that we knew for his safety and for the safety of our family he could not live at home. It was heart wrenching… it was a time of again feeling like complete failures. BUT God, again had people lined up…
We were encouraged to get a lawyer. God brought us together with I believe the top family lawyer in our area. He is a Christian man, loves Jesus with all his heart and knows what he is doing. He gently and expertly walked us through the process. Again going above and beyond to help us through. Our CPS case worker was amazing. She helped us with all the paperwork, but worked so hard to try and find a place for Matt, to go directly from the hospital… when that wasn’t possible we had to sign custody over to the State. We were scared. We felt guilty. We felt like we had failed as parents, BUT, again we were gently, and compassionately led. When Matt switched from CPS to DCS we had a meeting where we met his new case worker. After it was all said and done, After I had broken down in the meeting trying to explain everything that had happened and why he couldn’t live at home. I will never forget his case worker was sitting at the opposite end of the table from me. She said, “look at me.” And I did. She then said, “you are a good parent! A good parent does what is best for their child, even when it is hard. You have chosen to do this, not because it is easy, not because it is the way you wanted it to be, BUT because it is the BEST for your son! Don’t ever forget that and don’t let anyone else tell you different!”
So for the last 21 months Matthew has not lived at home. He has lived in Jackson, TN. We made the 4 1/2 hour trip out to Jackson when we could. It was not as often as we would have liked but we are thankful that we were allowed and encouraged to remain a part of his life.
His case worker and her supervisor have been nothing but kind, encouraging, and have literally walked us through these difficult months.
Last week Matthew moved from DCS care into an amazing adult program, called “CHOICES”... He moved from Jackson to a place just 2 hours away from us. He has a comfortable place to live, competent and encouraging people helping him, and cheering him on. He will be helped to find a job or do some more training. Being closer to us, means that we can more easily visit him.
Last night Matthew went back to Jackson, one last time to walk in his High School Graduation. This is a milestone that many (including myself to be honest) didn’t know if he would achieve. He talked many times about dropping out of school. So the fact that he accomplished this milestone is first thanks to our Loving Heavenly Father’s answers to our prayers… and 2nd to people from his home in Jackson who spent countless hours working with him and for all the teachers at his high school who put in the time and effort, above and beyond the call of duty to help him. And, for his amazing teachers back at Brown Elementary during his 7th and 8th grade years that believed in him and worked so hard with him and with us.
I am so thankful to the amazing team we had at DCS who made it their mission and goal to make sure we were kept in the loop and encouraged that we were in fact Matthew’s parents and that just because we had to sign custody over to them, we never lost that standing.
I am thankful that Tony and I were allowed and encouraged to be at his graduation. While there are a lot of mixed feelings and there has been so much emotional drama over the last years, I am grateful that Matthew accomplished this milestone and I pray that he will make good choices going forward with the guidance and support of good caring people. I am thankful at this point we can still be a part of his life. So this chapter comes to a close and we turn the page to start a new one.
Many times life takes twists and turns you don’t see coming. Many times you get in the middle of hard things and you wonder if you are going to survive or if there is anything good that can come from this? I am here to tell you, yes, you will survive. Yes, God has a plan and while you may not understand it or even see your way through it , He will never leave you! He will never forsake you. He loves you! He has always loved you, He never left you, He will NEVER leave you! Trust the Writer of your story.
